I just went to some taiwan website and searched for my name, and it displayed somewhat my character. But I don't understand a word.

*心思非常細膩、很喜歡思考，對自己的想法很堅持
*平常謹言慎行，比較喜歡低調行事
*會隱藏真實的自己，表現出比較好的一面
*性個溫和有禮，不容易與人起衝突
*有時會考慮很多，讓人覺得很優柔寡斷
*粗中帶細、具有感性的心
*個性活躍、不怕壓力，而且很有膽量
*敢衝、敢拼，容易帶動週遭的人跟著你行動，對群體的影響力很高
*第六感強，眼光獨到精準
*有時會有我行我素，不顧別人的感受

Someone cares to translate ir for me?

不可能只有你一个，爱的只是你一个。

It's a long long time since I last posted, and it's gonna be a long one I guess.

I'm getting mad. Seriously mad. I'm losing my senses and I can't feel properly. I hear things wrongly and see things wrongly. My intuition is going wrong. I feel that I'm going deaf, going blind, and my chest simply hurts. It's the kind of feeling you get when you imagine yourself being 80, and then life seems to be coming to an end, and you'll get over with it and reincarnate as someone better. But I'm only 19. I'm officially 19 today. Yet it's just like any other birthday I've had; loneliness. I wonder if anyone knew how I felt, how it feels like once to be way up high in the sky and at another time feeling down like some ant crawling on the ground, faking death to stay alive. It feels like you've lost the world and you'll never get it back. It feels like there's nothing worthy of you staying alive for anymore. It feels like the sun is laughing at you and the moon tickles herself. It feels like you're no longer alive.

I've been thinking and thinking, why has my life been like this, and why wasn't I like this before. The kind of charisma, the kind of feeling is lost. I no longer feel attracted to a girl anymore. I no longer feel that kind of belonging, the sense of perfection. It's all just the surface, just the effect of beauty. What if beauty was made cheap, made available to everyone at 10cents a bottle. Then I wonder how would my life be? Would it be a world of perfection? Or would it be a world that its all lost. I can't help but thinking, it all begins 1+ years ago.

She's called gin. I met her somewhere in school, and got to know her through a friend's introduction. I liked her at first sight, but didn't put much hope into it after being luckless in love for a year or so then. But soon we went on dates, and had a really good time together. What's in her to make me feel that she's the one, to make me feel that I belong, to make me feel that I've found, and loved, and loved deeply, yet then break my heart like some perspex threw hard on the ground so hard till it cracked into pieces. I wonder why, and if she never really loved me at all, it shouldn't have begun. The pain was there, so deep that it made me senseless. So unreasonable that it ran all around my body, made me cramp and forsake myself, threw away the kind of love someone gives himself.

But someone rescued me from this torture. She's called min. I knew her for some time already then, but never really talked to her. She rescued me, gave me hope to live for, told me about how unworthy it was to give up everything for a tree, where a forest waits for you. She told me about how unhappy her relationship was, told me about how sad she feels, that she has to cry every night to bed. It made me decide, that I'm going to give her happiness, to make her feel that life's worthy, just like how she made me feel about life. The hope and the feeling I get when I spent time with her was unforgettable. It made me feel so owned, so treasured that I wanted to live, and wanted to give her a good life. But she didn't allow me to. She chose to be tortured under the unhappy relationship, cos' she told me she loved him most, and couldn't love without him. I wondered who I loved most then, and gin came into my mind immediately, yet I knew things between us were no longer possible. I fell back into the pit that I was pulled up from. I couldn't help but think that she has lied to me. And although it didn't hurt as much, I find myself stopped trusting anyone.

And after a long time, I managed to get over everything, Enid appeared in my life. I met her through a friend's introduction, where she was labeled as a bitch. my objective initially was to scold her and make her feel bad about herself, but I end up falling in love with her. I remembered that the first time we met, she wore white long sleeves and jeans. I've never seen anyone wearing jeans and yet it made her so pretty. I've never liked girls in jeans and she changed my opinion entirely. Sadly, that opinion of only her in jeans, and not any other girls. She told me she liked me too when we met up for the first time. I smell something special about the perfume she used, and I've never smell it from anyone else in this lifetime before, until now. Probably it was that love potion that entranced me, or maybe it was the kind of closeness she gives me, which makes me feel home. I fell deeply once again. It took me a bit too long to realise that she's actually a playgirl, one what makes a guy love her easily, and then breaks their heart. I became her victim, falling for her so deeply that I don't know what to do. Eventually, things came to an end, and as expected, she found a new guy before I managed to get her off my mind.

And then min came back. She told me how sad her relationship was, how tired she was and how much she longed for someone else to be her boyfriend, someone like me. I thought it was a hint, but not forgeting the pain I felt before, I continued to contact her. Things seemed to be getting fine and she helped me to forget Enid after a long time, but during that time, it made me fall for her again. I hated myself for being so vulnerable, and even though I knew well enough that she'll never like me. But still, I stayed by her side, helping her pass by her unhappy days, helping her go through what that seems like hell to her, yet I knew she perservered through it with tears at night. I wondered why couldn't I be the one that would make her happy, the one that protects her from all the harm. Then again, she broke promises, stood me up for our outings, and gradually made me lose hope. I no longer wished for anything but being lonely. I don't want anymore than that I'll feel. I just kept wondering what did I do in my previous life that I deserved to meet these women that would only break my heart. Maybe I'm Zhu Ba Jie and have to suffer 1000 heartbreaks before I'll get back to heaven. Or maybe I'm just plain silly when it comes to love. I don't know what else to do.

And eventually, I became someone that didn't know what is love. I don't feel anything for anyone anymore. I can't help but feel that all women in the world are evil. They deserve to be heartbroken. They deserved to be played with. They deserved to lose their minds and drop to hell. I learnt about flirting, and played around with my own life. I didn't give a damn about what other people said about me. I threw my life away, threw everything like some junk onto the landfill. And these landfills eventually pollute the sea, bringing all the junks that you've thrown back to the fishes you eat, into your body. I suffered from the repercussion, sufffered the pain of loneliness, suffered something that no one else would have suffered, for the amount I put in everything I do seems many many times that of people. The amount of love and feelings I've poured just like how much I would have given for my entire life, the entire being, the entire universe. The kind of power that was so strong that it killed me totally.

I've met someone recently, And once again, the feeling I've got for gin, came back to me. She's an entirely different person, and if I've met her on the streets, I'll probably not even notice her. But it's always the feeling I get that makes me so engrossed and deeply attracted. But life as always, was never good. She didn't like me, and that pretty sums up. If it wasn't for gin, I wouldn't have felt that way towards anyone I suppose. It's the feeling she gave me, that told me what is true love. that told me how much I could have given someone, something that I'll never be able to calculate, an answer that differentiation and simultaneous equations would never give. Even though there's no love to begin with, no actual tangible feelings to beign with, I feel the heartache within me, the pain that she made me feel once again, as much as how much gin has hurt me. It all simply comes back to me. Painful, unforgetable pain. I wish I've never loved before.

And then min told me: "For all the brains you have, you always die at the hands of girls". I guess it's pretty much true. I think about life each day, and probably when one day I write about my own story, it's probably gonna be a best-seller. But what's the use of money, when life is all about love, something I've experienced and yet unable to experience it once again. The feeling so strong that I find myself stupid for all the things I've done. Probably that's why Wendy says I "anyhow", and ling says "hahahahahahahaha eh.. lols" to me. And others who simply replies a "nth", and nice people, nice friends, like clem who no longer contacts me, or haz whom the face flipped over to the other side. And many others like mandy that doesn't bother to reply me and yi who spends her time lying to me smartly. And probably rachel who on purpose stood me up many times. A big sorry for being stupid and retarded, and what things made me become someone that I never knew I would become. And I guess I'll be someone like this forever, until someone rescues me again.

I'm mad, I'm crazy. I'm sorry.